2007-10-03 / Editorial & Columns

Behind the Badge

Getting away from the serious stuff
By Larry G. Spence

I don't know if you feel like I do now and then or not, but sometimes all the things going on locally and in the valley are just overwhelming. So when I was trying to get ideas for this week's column, the wife suggested that I lighten up a little. Being a good husband who does everything his wife suggests, let me share some stories of the not so serious news.

It is rumored that a school teacher was arrested at the airport recently for trying to go through the metal detector with a slide rule and a calculator. He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

In a nearby city a guy was found murdered a couple nights ago. Early reports state the victim was found face down in his bathtub, which was filled with corn flakes and milk. Police think it might be the work of a cereal killer.

In another nearby town thieves broke into the local police department and took all the toilet seats. Police state they have nothing to go on. A juggler, driving to his next performance is stopped by a local officer. The officers asks him what are all those knives doing in your car. He told the officer, "I'm a juggler and I'm on the way to a performance. The officer asked him to step out of the car and prove it. So the driver is standing by the car juggling his knives for the officer as another motorist goes by and sees the action. The passing motorist says to his wife, "I'm sure glad I quit drinking, look at the field sobriety test they are giving now."

One of the winners in a contest for excuses why people were speeding goes like this: A trooper in another state was behind a car that was speeding well over the limit. He turned on his lights and siren but still the car pulled away. After a brief chase and getting assistance to stop the car, he asked the driver why he wouldn't stop when he saw the patrol behind him. The driver stated, "Well about four months ago a trooper ran off with my wife, and I thought you were him trying to bring her back."

The final story takes place as a deputy notices a local rancher go by him in the opposite direction and it appears he is not wearing his seat belt. Now this particular rancher hates to wear a seat belt and has been pulled over before by the local officers. The rancher sees the officer turn around and try to catch up with him. He tells his wife, "Here comes the officer, take the wheel while I put on my seatbelt." So she does and soon after he is pulled over. The deputy walks up and calls the rancher by name and says, "Say, I noticed you didn't have on your seat belt." The rancher says, "You must be mistaken deputy, I do have my seat belt on, but you don't have to take my word for it, ask my wife." She is a good Christian woman and she don't lie about anything." The deputy turns to the wife, "Is that true ma'am?" The wife looks at the deputy and says, "I've been married to this guy for over thirty years and one thing I've learned in all that time deputy is this: You never argue with him when he's drunk."

I hope you've enjoyed the little stories this week and maybe one or two of them brought a smile to your face. It's certainly a change of pace from all the depressing stuff we've been hearing and reading lately. Have a great week!

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